Stylin’ Saturday

Good morning & Happy Saturday, Wasteland Warriors.  Yes, it is only early o’clock,, but that’s sleeping in for me these days (normal wake up call if 5am for exercise before work).  I feel like a kid wobbling on a bicycle without training wheels for the first time; I’m really out of practice with my fashion critiques.  I actually stopped doing Stylin’ Saturdays because I treated myself to a celebrity black out for a couple months…which turned into the better part of a year.  I stopped looking at tabloids (for the fashion/beauty news), stopped visiting People and even GoFugYourself — which had been my after work de-stressor for years.  You see, Wasteland Wanderers, living in So Cal, the news is inundated with Miley Cyrus/Lindsey Lohan/Justin Beiber/whoever’s daily movement.  When you see a breaking news story about Beyoncé’s new weave followed by a report of 100 people killed in a roadside bombing or two children kidnapped & murdered the next city over, the triviality of celebrity life just hits you as a waste of time & resources.

However, that being said, the horrors & drudgery of daily life need to be counterbalanced by a wee bit of humor.  So after several gentle nudges from friends (thanks Jenni4!!), I’m getting back on the horse.  Please bear with me while I get my snark gland primed, I’m hoping to have my witty repartée up to full force by Awards Season in January.  Click on thru for the return of Stylin’ Saturday!

First, we have Claire Danes, who I love.  From the neck up, she looks fabulous (the faux bob almost makes me want to cut my hair off)! But her boobs look like they’re crying.  The bodice is separating & flattening her bosoms in a way that looks painful & makes me want to put on my most supportive bra.  Underboob is not appropriate for the red carpet IMO, no matter how modestly endowed one may be.

 

Let’s swing to the opposite end of the breastal spectrum & take a look at Christina Hendricks.  Rumors have flown for years that Christina does not employ a stylist, which has made her red carpet wins few & far between.  She usually shows up looking like the fuddy duddy history teacher from an episode of “The Brady Bunch,” or like a a Wild West saloon girl reimagined by a low budget porn studio.  But at the Emmy’s, Miss Christina looked fabulous!  She’s going full Mae West here: the Girls have been wrangled, the dress fits perfectly to show off her tiny waist & lovely curves, and her hair & makeup are immaculate & retro without looking costumey.  She hit this look out of the ball park!

 

Well, I do like the color…Heidi Klum loves to push the fashion envelope, & usually looks appropriately wackadoodle for whatever event she’s attending.  She’d kind of like the Bjork of the fashion world; you know she’s going to show up in something that demands to be seen.  However, Ms. Klum has the tall Amazonian body shape that doesn’t have a discernible waist (I feel your pain sista), so this gown isn’t nearly as spectacular as it would be on say, Cher.  I think I may launch a campaign to find some reason to get Cher to the Oscars in this dress, & a matching feathered headress, of course.

I LOVE structured origami inspired dresses.  This one is going on my fantasy Christmas list.

My 8th grade graduation dress was made out of this same patterned taffeta, except in shades of teal & rose.  Ah, the early ’90s.  Though I never would have thought to dress my boobs in a ninja mask.

Julianne Hough seems like a nice girl, but her red carpet choices make me want to punch myself in the face.  From the waist up, she looks gorgeous: the icy blue gown looks fantastic with her Nordic coloring, & her minimal jewelry doesn’t compete with the bejeweled fabric.  But what is with the visible granny panties?  Every starlet has been seen at least once wearing this horrible trend, and never has it been attractive nor edgy.  Ladies, they’re called “unmentionables” for a reason!

I’m not a fan of Rose Byrne, I’ll admit it.  I think she has a horrible case of dead eye (along with Kristen Stewart & Emmy Rossum).  But this dress shows how Anne Hathaway’s horrible Oscar night Prada should have looked.  It’s sleek without being stiff, edgy without giving the wearer faux nipples, & a pastel shade which enhances Rose’s complexion/hair instead of washing her out.  A hearty golf clap to you, Dead Eyes, you’ve won this round.

Has anyone else ever noticed that Lauren Conrad’s signature photo expression always seems to scream, “Take the damn picture already”?  Take a hint from Tyra Banks, girlfriend, and smyze.

I have a hard core girl crush on Natalie Portman, as I’ve mentioned previously, but I’ll be the first to say that her red carpet choices are a bit twee for my liking.  Just because you’re a wee petite thing, doesn’t mean you have to shop in the little girl’s section of Jessica McClintock (and this is coming from someone who buys her sneakers in the children’s section.  What? They fit & they’re cheaper).  Mrs. Millepied has gotten a lot of flak from the internets for this tri-color sheath, but I think it’s fab.  The cut is flattering, the colors are cheery yet still appropriate for a formal ballet event, & Natalie looks effortlessly chic without stealing the limelight from her hubby, who was being honored at this event.  Plus, the nubby fabric reminds me of the old bedspreads in the spare rooms of my Nana’s house, & that makes me happy inside.

Dear Paula Abdul,

Stockard Channing called, she wants her body back.

(You non musical theatre geeks may have to Google that reference.  But then you’ll laugh & laugh)

Vera Farmiga’s black velvet number looks heavy & hot from the front, like someone kidnapped her midway through her Sunday afternoon Civil War reenactment.  But, Wasteland Wanderers, I’m secretly in love with the back:

Now that I have an overwhelming desire to waltz around the room in my imaginary velvet ball gown, I’d better wrap up this edition of Stylin’ Saturday.  I hope you’ve enjoyed the good natured snark, because now that I’ve gotten a taste of it, I’m back on the wagon!  Have a great weekend, y’all, and as always, aim for the head.

Rock-it Ruby signing off.

All photos courtesy of people.com